Quantum Happiness Series- Responses and Roadblocks


“A productive conversation gives both partners an opportunity to be heard and respond in turn.” 


Women in conversation

Copy that

When communicating in real time, it is important to let the speaker know that we are listening by using confirming responses, which are physical and verbal cues that the message is being heard and decoded.

Confirming responses include:

· Paying attention
· Asking pertinent questions
· Nodding our heads
· Making eye contact

On the other hand, disconfirming responses signal to our communication partner that we are not listening nor decoding their messages.

Disconfirming responses include:

· Asking unrelated questions
· Silence/indifference
· Interrupting/monologuing
· Changing the subject
· Looking away/ being distracted
· Fidgeting

Let’s listen

A productive conversation gives both partners an opportunity to be heard in turn and respond to comments.

To fully listen we must suspend internal dialogue and send confirming responses. In other words, stop broadcasting and listen. When there is a pause in the conversation, keep quiet for a moment to see if the other person may have something to add.

Easy as 1,2,3

I worked as a journalist for two decades and often recorded interviews to preserve quotes and context. Very early in my career, I realized that when I was just about to get the quote I needed, I would interrupt the speaker and spoil the quote. So, I made a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and count to three before speaking.

It’s amazing what people will add when given a chance to complete a thought without interruption or distraction. Once I got the hang of being quiet and letting the other person completely finish, I found my best quotes in those last few moments of an answer.

Disastrous distractions

Distractions come in two forms, internal and external. Both are barriers to productive communication.
Internal distractions include: 
Anxiety 
Hunger 
Discomfort 
Pain 

External distractions include:
Noise
Crowds
Phone calls
Texts/ notifications

Multi-tasking mishaps

These distractions, as well as a host of others, divide our attention and make us less effective communicators.
Some of the most common distractions are often disguised as multitasking:
· Answering emails while having dinner with a friend,
· Posting to social media while exercising with a partner, or
· Sending a text during a meeting.

But the myth of multi-tasking is easily debunked:
· First, say the ABCs.
· Then count to ten.
· Then multitask the two i.e. A,1,B,2,C,3…

This simple exercise illustrates what happens in the brain when we multitask. We get both items accomplished but neither has our full attention, so it invariably takes longer to accomplish them together than independently.


Engagement exercise 1:

List three things that you currently multitask.

1. _______________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________

3. _______________________________________________



Now try to do these tasks independently and evaluate whether multitasking saves time. If so, are you sacrificing quality of life and relationships to multitask? For instance, even if you are effectively answering emails while having dinner with a friend, what did that do to the quality of time spent with your friend?

Engagement exercise 2:

List five internal distractions and five external distractions that you did not see in the text.



Internal distractions External distractions

1. ______________________ _________________________

2. ______________________ _________________________

3. ______________________ _________________________

4. ______________________ _________________________

5. ______________________ _________________________


Vacay Q&A playlist: Responses and roadblocks 

Sources and resources:

Video: MindToolsVideos- Improve Active Listening

Video: Halelly Azulay- Why You Should Stop Distracted Listening

Book: The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Z. Shafir M.A.

Book: Human Lie Detection and Body Language 101: A Guide to Reading Nonverbal Behavior By Vanessa Van Edwards

Website: Quizlet.com- Confirming and Disconfirming Responses

Website: Uproxx.com- How to Listen 

This has been an excerpt from the Everyday Vacay e-series

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